Ten Years

Ten years. Wow. It's hard to believe.  I've been sitting here all morning trying to figure out a way to honor this monumental anniversary...and, honestly, I just haven't found the way...yet.
Ten years ago this morning, I awoke from a dream visitation in which a complete stranger invaded my dreams. Prior to this, I only allowed friends and family to visit me in my unconscious state. Communication while I was awake was a no-no because it absolutely terrified me.  But, here was a guy who broke through all of my barriers and barricades, broke all of my rules--and it scared the hell out of me.
It seems funny to think about now, just exactly how terrified I was.  I mean, I was so scared I was crying, trembling, begging for help to understand how in the world this could happen to me.
All the while, he was there, reassuring me, helping me.  And, all I wanted to do was to get him to shut up and go away! :)

I was used to being miserable. I truly prayed to God that He would end my life.  I was trapped at the bottom of this deep, dark hole and I didn't feel like I could or would ever get out.   So what happened?

Well, that life ended the moment this man entered my dreams. Because, despite my fears, his presence forced me to not only learn more about him, but it also forced me to learn about myself; to quit burying my true self; to accept  and love me for who I am, no matter what.  He inspired me to learn and grow in ways I never thought possible.  He took me to places that, once upon a time, would have seemed too far away for me to even contemplate.

Despite all of the adversity, drama, arguments, negative people we've encountered, you're still here, Chico. And, that's amazing. I cannot even begin to think about all of the times you and I have been put down since we started this journey together, but we've stuck together, an indivisible team.  I have learned more about myself than I have about you, admittedly; despite meeting quite a few people who knew you when you were on this plane.  Thanks for leading me to them and for that beautiful validation, btw; even if it didn't always turn out quite as you hoped.  But,  here we are ten years later, and about to embark on yet another journey.  I know I have other guides, angels and loved ones that will help me through these next few months (which, by the end, will hopefully lead to me becoming a certified medium! JOY); but I simply cannot fathom doing this without you.

You told me once that no matter what happened we were a team, we are a team. And, I remember at the time, I scoffed. I didn't believe you. I thought "yeah, right, whatever."   But, when I sit here and think about ten years worth of memories...it's mind blowing.  Some of the memories that pop up in my mind:  my first reading with a medium, you came through; then later on during another reading, you sat for a spirit portrait; breaking the glass candle holders while I sat for a reading with Lori; the time you came through loud and clear via Sandy during that fundraiser at the church and you gave so much information and had everyone in hysterics; every single message you've given me via Liam (and there are at least ten separate instances); my Purple Paper from Roland with a specific message from you; every single way you have managed to validate yourself to me, and all were extremely creative; all the times you made computers go haywire so I wouldn't Google you..............the list goes on and on.   These are the reasons why, when others tell me that you aren't real, or that I should not focus on communication with spirit, I just smile. You have not only proven to me that you--and all of my other friends, guides, angels and loved ones in spirit--are real; you've helped me to believe in myself.

I know, that was hard. It was pretty rough starting out. I didn't trust anything or anyone, least of all myself.  And, I know that you don't like to take credit because you claim "you did all the hard work, not me."  You're wrong. The hardest thing of all was inspiring me to give a shit about myself.  You did that. And, I will always give you credit for that. (So, accept it.)

Every year, I commemorate this day in some way; not just as the beginning of this unbreakable (and often unfathomable) team that you and I have created.  But, also as the anniversary of the day that I began to really know myself. I used to ask God to just end my life because I couldn't take being trapped in that deep hole anymore.  And, what did He do?  He ended it......by sending you.  You gave me a fresh start; you helped me climb out of that hole.  There is no me without you.

So, Happy Anniversary, Chico.   I'm sure I'll find more ways to commemorate today.  But, for now, I just want to say how grateful I am for you and for the absolutely gorgeous door you helped open for me in order to connect with Spirit.  I no longer have to be afraid of who I am....and, you did that.
(Yes you did. Stop arguing. :P)

<3