Day 13
3/18/2023
Dear Hannah,
I know, I know, I haven’t written to you in a few days. This is because I would cry my eyes out every time I sat down and pulled out my notebook. I debated whether I should tell you in detail what happened when we went to see you. It isn’t something I’ll forget - but I’m not sure I want to record every detail. (EDIT: I DID ANYWAY)
Let’s just day we both were SO delighted to see you. But, we walked away feeling upset and - well, dirty. Like we did something wrong, were unwelcome, and were the stupidest people ever. It was so bad that your Granny and I were at each other’s throats, screaming and yelling, taking our pain out on each other instead of where we should have done. I damn near left her there in Illinois and drove home. But, we eventually talked, and realized that it wasn’t each other that created the horrible situation.
It was so bad that your Granny decided to end our trip early. She told your dad we were leaving early. So, let me start this record by saying a few things first.
You know, I’ve taken care of a lot of babies. Your Great Grandpa Elmer has 9 grandkids and you are his 12 great-grandchild. I am the oldest out of all of them - and I’ve taken care of them all and held them all - including your daddy- at birth and beyond. We aren’t stupid. But, that’s how we felt. So, if you ever wonder why there are no photos of us with you as a baby - it’s because our hearts were broken. We simply weren’t allowed. We did try. You were immediately taken away from your Granny, and I was screamed at and had you taken from me in about 15 seconds. We really couldn’t get near you at all. I totally understand them not wanting you to get RSV, or to get sick, but your Granny and I already did our research and prepared for that. We kept ourselves well, and knew all of the actual rules - not the made up ones. We’ve taken care of a lot of babies and so desperately wanted to take care of you.
Why? Well, we both tried to help. We weren’t allowed near you, so Granny tried to help by picking up the house and cleaning - only to be told not to. She did end up cleaning the kitchen, which wasn’t an easy task because it was filthy. Still - we weren’t allowed to do anything else. I actually was so angry that I ended up going to the pet store with Winnie and just walking around. I couldn’t get near you, and to be honest, I wanted to strangle certain people. We were treated like an annoyance and no matter what we did, it was rejected. We both took off a week and a half from work to come up and stay and help you and your mom and dad. We left in tears after 2 days.
We brought so many things we’d collected over MONTHS and things from others. Clothes, blankets, bottles - I don’t know what all we had saved, but it was a lot. None of it came from the Amazon wish list your mom set up, but that was mostly because we couldn’t afford any of that. There were also things in there that our family members bought for you, as well as things from our friends. And you know what?
NONE OF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH.
Not even the monogrammed outfits we brought from Winnie’s BFF’s Mom and Dad - Todd and Kathy. It was a pretty huge amount of stuff we both. Every payday for at least 6 months we bought things for you. So did Aunt Starla. It didn’t matter.
I’m still pissed off. Can you tell? Your Granny is beyond angry and upset. She was treated the worst. Nothing she said, no advice or help she offered, was accepted. In fact, she was treated more like an annoying boil on the butt than an actual grandmother.
Maybe we will be ok soon - maybe not. I believe in karma and what you put out you will receive back 10 fold. So, I know that one day the terrible things that were said and done to us will come back in full force.
Anyway, I want you to know that I love you more than I can express in words. You did smile at me twice when I managed to lightly tickle your knee. So my fingertip touched you. That was a huge achievement, believe me.
Ok, enough with being upset on paper. I’m sitting @ the Waffle House in Etowah writing to you and they’re all asking me what I’m writing because I’m sitting here bawling. I told them I was writing to my beautiful niece. They asked to see a photo of you. I nearly cried again. So, I will go. Write more later. I love you, baby girl.
